The Life and Times of Jaimador Schrader

So Lindsey hates me because I wanted to help her with God.... Everything in the bible says that new christians need to fellowship with other christians and I only want her to come to church once.... Is that too much to ask... as her "friend" she shouldn't think of it as that big of a deal.... It's only one time.... And on top of that I can't stop cutting and I feel so worthless maybe one of these days I will cut too deep and all of this pointless pain will end... I seriously want to cut my whole body I can see myself standing there cut all over blood spilling into a pool on to the floor... yeah ... and no one would care... If I do ever kill myself I hope my mom is the first to find me... I hope she cries sooo much for all the crap she put me through.. and on top of that I keep having flachbacks to when the crap happened to me a=from my babysitter and it's scaring the crap out of me.. Lindsey I'm sorry I'm stupid.. I am worthless.. Im not worhty of being anyone's friend I only screw things up/...
In Christ
Jaime

why do i have to be the one who is strong for everyone else when i'm the one who needs someone to be strong for me.... Lindsey is falling farther and farther away from God, Jed is falling away.. if he was there to begin with, All my friends are ignoring me... half of them aren't christians.. and no one will listen to me tell them the truth... if they would just listen then they would get it... I'v edone sooo much for lindsey and she thanks me byy pushing me away and hanging out with sinful people.. (God please help them alll get closer to you.... please)
In Christ
Jaime

It seems everyone but God has forgotten about me...
EVERYONE.

I.. well cut this morning... I woke up and was doing my hair and my mom told me to get the fuck out of the bathroom so she could shower and i did.. then she wanted me to stand outside with her dog so she wouldnt get out and i said that i didn't have enough time and she told me to "shut my god damn fucking mouth" and she would do it... so i went to close my bedroom door and she slammed it open and came in yelling at me... and so i just stood there and took it all and so after she slammmed my door closed i took my razor out and cut confused into my leg it actually hurt this time that's what reallly confused me... it's never hurt before.. i actually cringed.. but iit was a releif... i'm sorry everyone...
IN Christ
Jaimador

I did it.... it sucks.... but im officially a skateboarder!!!! I wiped out!!!!! YAY!!!!! Tim and my mom got in a fight again and tim ripped the door out of the refridgerater..>>> SPELLED WRONG.
In Christ
J-Fo

yesterday me and my mom and Nicole went to the dollar store and i dtole some razors.... sont ask y im just confused... I dont want to cut but i feel like if I dont then im failing someone.... i havent done it in 3 weeks bu tonight is the night that is going to change.... I hate myself, I hate life.. I think andy is spreading stuff about me.. im such a whore.... I need to just go and lay down and die.... and i guarantee some fag is going to comment and say then "go fucking kill yourself you stupid emo kid" but if anyone does I will just say in advance go fuck yourself fag.... Im in Padans class right now.. its really hot... I feel like a sweaty pig... <<< GROSS!... Okay so I' m going to stop taking up the worlds time with my stupid "issues" so bye now.. and someone tell JEd that im sorry and I really love all of my friend but so it seems im always there for everone else and no one is ever there for me.... whatever... oh and Brian I know how you say I contradict myself but no one is perfect just because i cuss doesn't make me a bad person.. Jesus Christ is my Lord and savior and ALWAYS will be so STOP please.. you don't know the hell that I have been through.. my dad killed himself because he was drunk when I was 2.. my moms a druggy, we're poor, i've moved 21 times, i got my cell taken away im grounded until summer andy used me and i just lost 4 GOOD friends lately so please just lay off.....

i hat life so frickin much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even write anything... All I have to say is Fuck You ALl Along with The World!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep confusing everyone... my mom's mood swings keep getting worst... She found my razors in the laundry so now I begin my quest to get some more.... I;m so fucked up.... I don't know y i'm bein like this to Lindsey it just seems that since she's become christian nothing's changed... She doesn't realize to be God's follower you have to make changes like telling ur friends your beliefs and not treating your other christian friends like crap...
Jaimador

I'm so confused,... Lindsey i'm sorry for being like that... I don't know how to talk to you anymore.. I thought you were my "best friend" but I realize your not... I'm sorry for acting like a... I don't know.... I want to go and cut.... Bye

Uhhhhh..... All my friends who I thought were my friends are falling out on me,,,,, My mom never stops yelling and my therapist hasn't been to seeee me for like ever.... I always try to help my friends and what do they give me as thankx... The silent treatment... and it doesn't help that andy had to go and use me... I know it was my fault bu tit still hurts..... I would reall ylike to have a best friend right now but the only best friend I did have is too cought up in her other friends to even notice me..... I guess i'm just a stupid emo kid but whatever... AAND I cant't stop cutting.... I thought I was done but apparently not and I want to tell my mom but me and her just now got to the point wher e we can stand each other and I don't want to ruin a good thing.. I just have to sufffer in silence.... her b.f. hates me the other day he told my mom to beat the fuck out of me because he couldn't stand me then they told me to get out... that ruined my day....
whatever......
jaime